Fat as I am, Diva Mahima

Fat as I am.

Who wants to see a diva fat as I am?

I get mistaken now for Lainie Kazan.

How is it that I'm fat as I am?

Fat as I am.

The camera's gonna add a ton to my can.

This is the way they say Godzilla began.

How did I get as fat as I am?

"Try it again."

All of my friends say I should diet again;

That all my fans are gonna riot again.

"Look what happened to Liz."

All of my sinsare not as numerous as . . . all of my chins!

I could audition for the doublemint twins.

No one in the biz is as fat as I is.

Ah, but what's a career

when you put it next to knockwurst and beer?

They could park a DC10 on my rear.

God knows I got the gas!

There goes the chair.

But to tell the truth, I'm too fat to care!

I ate a meatball off the floor right over there.

Ah, you don't give a damn

when you're fat as I am!

John keeps his eyes shut around Malaika

Coming to an event without your fiance is nothing new... but coming and seeing a much more sexier girl, and trying to keep it in your trousers... is hard. So when John Abraham went to this Television event without Bipasha Basu, he had to keep his eyes closed... so as not to fall head over heels in love with beauty Malaika Arora Khan.

Akshay shows Kat the difference between him and Sallu

What is the difference between Salman Khan and Akshay Kumar? That was one question that always baffled Katrina Kaif. Until, Akshay gave her the answer. Or to be more precise... showed her the answer. "Mine is a little thicker and a little longer."

Aishwarya and Abhishek... well he is there...

For the past year or so Aishwarya Rai has never been seen at an event without her husband Abhshek Bachchan. But, at this event from yesterday, the Bachchan baby was not with her... where was he? what happened to him? Woh kyun nahin aaya? Well, we looked around and did finally locate him... he is in the above picture... Ash is holding Big B's little baby in her hand.

Salman gets a fright with spud and slug

At this recent Aids event... Salman looked like he had a fright... he was nicely sitting next to his girlfriend... sexy Katrina Kaif... when suddenly she morphed into an old-aged wannabe... and not only that... the two had produced a kid within minutes...

Amrita Arora's tattoo saves the day

Amrita Arora was showing off her tattoo to all and sundry... and I took a glimpse or two at it also. Love saves the day... hmmm... it probably does hunny... for you... you aint good at nothing else but 'that'... so when you're in bed with whats-his-name cricketer from England... it probably saves your relationship too... too bad it cant save your Bollywood career.

Dino's index finger spreading a virus

A virus is spreading around the globe. It is deadly and can kill within seconds. The origins of the virus were first not known, but after a lengthy research, it has been located... to the index finger of the right hand of DINO. Whoever the finger points to... woh bechara mo-rea....

Someone sat on John's face... Oops!

Sit on my face, and tell me that you love me
I'll sit on your face and tell you I love you, too
I love to hear you ORALIZE
When I'm between your thighs
You blow me away
Sit on my face and let my lips embrace you
I'll sit on your face and THEN I'LL LOVE YOU TRULY
Life can be fine if we both sixty-nine
IF WE sit on our faces in all sorts of places and play
'Till we're blown away

Aamir begins to see BLACK taare

When he started directing his movie, he never expected that he would be seeing stars, even if the movie is titled Taare Zameen Pe (Stars On Earth). Looking at the above picture... Aamir has begun to see stars... and they probably are coloured BLACK.

Isha or Minnisha... Girls in Bottles

Well we have heard of Ship In A Bottle... but what about a Girl In A Bottle... Two girls are here wanting to be the first ever female in a glass bottle... Isha Koppikar or Minnisha Lamba... which one will get into the bottle first? Bets are on guys.

Malaika has come from the heavans...

Ye Taazgi Ye Naazuki Ye Saadgi
Tu Kaun Kahaan Se Aayee Hai
Ye Husn Kahaan Se Laayee Hai
Teraa Noor Nahin Insaanon Saa
Kyaa Khudaa Se Milkar Aayee Hai
Kyaa Paakizaa Hai Naam Teraa
Dhadkan Ki Tarah Se Chalti Hai
Kyaa Dil Bankar Aayee Hai
Is Jahaan Mein Kiski Amaanat Hai Tu
Kiske Dil Ki Mohabbat Hai Hai
Kaun Naseebon Vaalaa Jiski Tu Dulhan Bankar Aayee Hai

Kareena's devil eyes are taking Saif to hell

Saif, man in white, stay away, you know my forces, my Devil eyes
I'll take you to hell, You're inside my spell, In my mirror
Shahid, You remember, And I am his killer, I'm devil eyes
Oh yeah, I'm devil eyes, Oh yeah, I love my eyes, Oh yeah, those evil eyes,
Oh yeah, I love my eyes, I'm gonna get you Saif
I am heading for the gates of hell, bringing a victim, he's angel eyes
I took him to hell, In Lucifer's spell, I am his mirror
And still I'm his killer, still I'm his killer, Devil eyes, Devil eyes.

Aishwarya notices bad smell from Amitabh

Papa-In-Law Amithab Bachchan has a very good bahu... she has an eye and concern for every little thing of Amitji's. Here she is noticing that Papa Amitji forgot to get his diaper changed this morning. Aishwarya Rai you are indeed the bahu to die for...

Aamir Khan could be Upen Patel's twin

I was totally confused when I saw this picture... is this Aamir Khan or that ***hole Upen Patel? From a quick first gaze it looks like Upen, but after a lengthy look, it is not Upen... it is indeed Aamir Khan. What's up Aamir? Why are you trying to emulate Upen for... believe me dost, Upen is a phoney fraud... don't copy him.

Kim still thinks about Yuvraj Singh

Jaane Kahaan Gaya Wo Yuvraj
Kehta Ta Teree Raah Me Kim
Centuries Hi Centuries Bichhaoonga
Chaahe Kaisi Bhi Tum Lagoh
Out Na Karoonga Tum Ko Umarbhar
Kim Tere Liye Hi Cup Jeet Ke Laoonga
Mera Silicon Enhanced Figure Jahan Parah
Sixers Lagaye The Yuvi Ne
Mujh Ko LBW Kar Diyaa
Yuvi Ki Fast Popularity Ne
Apanee Nazar Mein Aaj Kal
One-Days Bhi Long Tests Hain
Yuvi Hee Mera Pyar Thaa
Yuvi Hi Mera Pyar Hai

Ranbir Kapoor wants a blue tooth now

Ranbir Kapoor is having some technical problems with his bluetooth device. It seems as though it too has fallen in love with Sonam (like the rest of us) and refuses to work while she is in the vicinity. Ranbir tried to ask Sanjay Leela Bhansali for a new bluetooth... but Sanjay replied angrily and said "Were the blue colours in Saawariya not enough for you... now you want your teeth coloured blue too?"

Rockets launched to attack Shah Rukh

Shah Rukh Khan should be worried... he has hurt a good few people in the last two weeks... and Manoj Kumar is one. While out and about promoting Om Shanti Om, King Khan noticed a flying rocket... it was launched by the Indian Army for test purposes... but he thought it may have been targetted at him.

Abhishek flosses his teeth for Aishwarya

Aby's little baby is feeling happy... he has had his teeth flossed professionally and now Aishwarya will indeed kiss him. Since the two have been married, Aishwarya has refused to lip-lock with Abhishek Bachchan... and the reason... his teeth are not white enough. Hrithik, Zayed, Vivek, and goes knows whose else were white?

Hrithik refuses to open his eyes for Farhan

The anamosity between former pals Farhan Akhtar and Hrithik Roshan is becoming a little childish. As you can see from this photo, Hrithik is totally giving Farhan the cold shoulder... and not just that... but he is refusing to look at him... Farhan is not amused... he bought that T-Shirt especially for today!

Bipasha Basu has grown fat on her chest

Didn't Bipasha Basu have a slimmer figure than this? This picture, which was taken a few days ago, she looked slightly more than slim. I actually prefer Bips with a little more 'fat' on her, especially on the top part of her body... don't you?

Deepika has felt something of Shah Rukh's

Deepika Padukone has decided that from now on she will no more open her mouth at events... she will only speak with her hands... ie hand signals... and she is doing exactly that in this picture. When someone asked her which part of Shah Rukh Khan's anatomy she likes the most... this is what she responded by... and that signal can only be one thing... hmm... what would Gauri make of it?

Tulip Joshi's tulips ready to be picked

Actress Tulip Joshi sure knows how to get the guys staring at her... she just has to show her two most prized assets... her two tulips... and Bob's your Uncle... Here she is doing exactly that at a recent event... Now where does the mind of a guy wander...

Vidya seeks advice in bedroom department from Ajay

Bollywood beauty Vidya Balan is currently without a man in her life(?), so Ajay Devgan is giving her tips on how to get it right in the bedroom department. It's actually about positioning Vidya, says Ajay. If you get the position right, then everything else just goes into place... Vidya is very intrigued by this...

Soha Ali Khan feels Shiney Ahuja's manhood

If Saif Ali Khan can do it, then her little sister can do it also. Saif is currently busy feeling Kareena's anatomy and Soha Ali is also doing the same... with Shiney Ahuja. My oh my look at your manhood Shiney... it is shining.... Is that what she is saying to him?

Well that's not all... look at the picture below... now what does that tell you?

Mahima shows of her slim new figure

Here is former Bollywood sweetheart(?) showing of her brand new slim figure... not! It seems as though the Pardes girl has been eating a few too many burgers... well... all I can say is... Main diet kar ke jaaon kahan... aur body banaoo kis ke liye... mera Bollywood to haath se pissal gaya...

Sushmita gives finger signals after watching Saawariya

When Sushmita Sen was asked about how bad was Saawariya, she responded by raising her index finger and swaying it left to right. Actually, when a former beauty Queen does this thing with the finger, it means that she needs to use the little girl's room. So why did she use this thing in response to this question...?

Amisha Patel's odour wakes up Mumbai after Saawariya nightmare

After the whole of Mumbai was sent to sleep watching Saawariya... Sanjay Leela Bhansali resorted to desperate measures to wake them up again and get Mumbai back to work... and what better way to get them awake then the odour of Amisha Patel's arm-pits... Here she is doing it for Bhansali and Mumbai... Long live Amisha!

Rishi and Neetu lost at Saawariya premiere

Rishi smiles apologetically and Neetu is flabbergasted... the expressions of the parents of Ranbir Kapoor. I guess Ranbir has everything going for him... but this RK lacks just one factor... the S factor...

Akshaye watches Saawariya and gets pain down below

This is the moment when Akshaye Khanna came out of the cinema after seeing Sanjay Leela Bhansali's Saawariya. The expression on his face says it all... "Was that a film... my Himalaya Putra was better than that." It seems that Akshaye got pain where the sun don't shine.

Salman controls his tears after Saawariya premiere

Salman Khan is trying his very best not to cry. The tears are about to break, but he won't let them drip. Bhansali has stabbed him in the back, cut 40 minutes of his role in Saawariya, and poor Sallu is too upset. Don't worry Salman... Saawariya flopped. You're better of out of it.

Saif remembers his ex, and Kareena her sex

Saif: Hang on Bebo, isn't that Rozza, my ex.
Kareena: Naa Saifu... it's just Shahid... my sex!

Shah Rukh shows evidence of call to Bhansali

Shah Rukh Khan is a good person at heart. Here he is showing to the media that he doesn't hold and grudges with Sanjay Leela Bhansali. The evidence is the phone in which he texted Sanjay Leela Bhansali and told him that he would change the release date of Saawariya, if Sanjay couldnt get it done himself.

Esha's plastic surgeron taken into asylum

"Look Mum... Look look look. I got a arse too. Don't it look like Bobby's." Esha shows of her newly formed behind to all and sundry. Her plastic surgeon however, has been taken ill and admitted into a mental asylum. It has been reported that the 'behind' he removed during surgery, was not one that could be easily seen and digested.

Anil Kapoor shows he has all the bits to reproduce

Oooh My! He maybe a father of a fully grown beautiful woman, that the world is currently loving in Saawariya, but who says he cant sperm of a few more little Kapoors. Here is Anil Kapoor letting it known, or shown, that he still has all the bits... and they're all in fully working order.

Bipasha Basu pulls two guys on the ramp

My oh my... Bipasha Basu is such a lucky girl. She has managed to bag to guys in white at the same time. Just look at those dashing dudes. Hunk heavan. Lucky Bipasha!

Hema and her problems with Esha Deol

While attending an event last week, glamour girl Hema Malini received a phone call on her mobile from the babysitter. The babysitter called to say that her daughter Esha was playing around and wouldn't go to sleep. She had tried everything but still Esha wouldn't settle. Hema then rushed home to tuck her in and tell her a bedtime story.

Deepika told to show skin because of Ranbir

This is the moment when Deepika was told that she had to film an extra scene for Om Shanti Om where she has to drop her knickers and show her bottom... because Ranbir has done the same in Saawariya. Why are you astonished Deepika? You're getting a dream debut... dropping and showing a little flesh shouldn't be a problem. Look what Raakhi and Mallika have to do...

Esha has trouble seeing herself in the mirror

The lengths that Bollywood B-grade4 actresses will go to get noticed. Here see Esha Deol having to come out in public after plastic surgery on her eyes has gone wrong. The disaster happened after she decided to increase her eyes from a 36B to a 38DD.

Nana Patekar gives advice to Tusshar on sex

Nana Patekar once said "Ek machcar saala aadmi ko hijra bana deta hai". Which basically means that a small insect can turn a full blooded male into a homeosexual. And that is the exact reason Tusshar Kapoor is seeking advice from Nana. He wants to know what is the antidote and how can he take it.

Priyanka sits next to a guy with genital problems

Priyanka Chopra is having a fright sitting at this event. The guy next to her has just had an erection after seeing Kangana Ranaut dance on stage, and he is unable to settle it back down. Uff kya jadoo kangana hai... no disrespect to you though Priyanka.

Triple trouble for Abhishek, Aishwarya and Amitabh

Abhishek: Ash darling, look it's Karisma Kapoor. Hide me somewhere, quick!
Aishwarya: No can do, am gonna run myself. Look whose behind, Salman Khan.
Amitabh: You got problems? I can see Rekha coming. We need to run!

Tusshar is not happy sitting next to a beauty

The organisers of this event really made a goof... making a gay sit next to the most beautiful girl in the audience. Tusshar Kapoor is having a difficult time trying to keep it down and making it stay in. His discomfort shows on his face. Well looking at Urmila, which gay wouldn't bat back for this side... she is gaaaawjuuuuuus.

Amitabh not happy as Aishwarya notices open trousers

The Bachchan bahi is upto her old trick again... and Papa-in-Law is not happy. Amitabh Bachchan keeps a sneak eye on Aishwarya as she begins to laugh a little too much, at some guy who is standing in front of her, with his fly open. Well Mr. Bachchan what did you expect... the Virgin Mary?

Mallika wears a cotton diaper to event

Mallika Sherawat was so hot and bothered at this event earlier this event, that she decided to wear nothing to the event. But on-lookers were so astonished that she decided to put something on anyway. The quickest thing she could find to wear was this nappy (cotton diaper)... that belonged to Arshad Warsi's new baby.

Aarti tastes better than green wine

Aarti Chhabria is playing twelve green bottles... and my has she great big bottles to play with. Aarti herself looks like something to drink from... the girl is begining to look better and better as each day goes. Who needs wine when you have Aarti...

Saloni shows you dont need to be fair

Who says you need to have fair colour skin to be beautiful... here is Saloni aka Rajshri... and she looks like a diamond. She looks more beautiful than any Bollywood bimbo. But why has she piled on tons of make-up... Rajshri please lay of the make-up... you look better without it.

Bipasha's John has gigantic balls for her to play with

My oh my... Bipasha's John has very big balls. The Beckham and Spice of Bollywood now have everything. Only balls were missing, and those John has grown. A little late but it will do... nothing has been lost... Atleast it now saves Bipasha from running after guys who already have them.

Mallika will do anything for a Lakh

--Mallika--Kya dekhte ho

--Me--Kapre tumhaare
--Mallika--Kya chaahte ho
--Me--Inko uthaaro
--Mallika--Na hum jo keh de
--Me--Pehle kabhi kaha nahin
--Mallika--Chalo teek hai, do eik lakh

Sonam will die in the arms of Ranbir

Tune aawaaz di, dekh main aa gayi... Pyaar se hai badi kya kasam. Tujhe dekha to yeh jaana sanam... Pyaar hota hai deewana sanam... Ab yahan se kahan jaaye hum... Teri baahon mein mar jaaye hum...